issue 4

Tweeting, by Mari Ness

For a transcript of these images, click here.


Other tales by Mari Ness can be found in Tor.com, Lightspeed, Uncanny, Clarkesworld, Nightmare, Apex, Diabolical Plots, Fireside, Daily Science Fiction, and more. Her poetry novella, Through Immortal Shadows Singing, is available from Papaveria Press, and her essay collection, Transformation and Resistance: On Fairy Tales, from Papaveria Press. For more, follow her on Twitter at @Mari Ness  or check out her infrequently updated blog at marikness.wordpress.com. She lives in central Florida.


Transcript

Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 10 min
Otherwise, this whole being a bird thing?
Not bad.
Not bad at all.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 11 min
Which means a lot more time studying crows to figure out how they do, well, everything.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 12 min
And figure out how to open bottles and cans.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 12 min
And figure out another way to earn money for birdseed. Or figure out how to eat worms.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 14 min
So still have to figure out how to pay the bills, and get back into my house.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 14 min
Especially since I don’t think I actually got around to turning the house into an Airbnb. And I know I don’t have a job right now.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 15 min
Anyway, the whole locked out of the house and living in a nest thing, not ideal.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 16 min
And narrow and confined. Which just sounds so weird, now that I have the sky.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 17 min
Not just the rain – though there’s that. But it’s also just so scratchy. And so much work to maintain.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 18 min
Bit of a problem, since I also discovered that the whole living in a nest thing? Not for me.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 19 min
And someone – not me – shut all the doors and windows to the house while I was out flying.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 20 min
Can’t exactly carry around a cell phone any more. Much though I want to. SO SHINY.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers 21 min
Sorry for the long silence. Had to wait until I could fly into a library and get on a computer without anyone noticing.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Aug 31
Besides the leaf I’ve got over my beak now.
HA HA HA yeah, guess you have to be a bird to get that one.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Aug 31
Gotta find SOME way to cover all of these bills.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Aug 31
Side benefit – if I’m living in that oak tree outside the house, I should be able to turn this place into one of those Airbnb things.


Caw @FormBeakand Feathers Aug 31
Which means, I guess, that it’s time to see if I can make the real bird transition – to a nest outside.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Aug 31
Haven’t checked email or regular mail for a month now.
I just want to head back to the trees.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Jul 31
All of which just seems pointless now.
Hard to remember that I still have things to do here.


Caw @FormFeathersAndBeak Jul 31
I’d try to tell you what it’s like, but I don’t have words for it.
Only the sound of wind and rain.


Caw @FormFeathersAndBeak Jul 31
Sorry for going silent on here.
I’ve been lost in flight


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 15
and you want to take the pill because flying.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 15
Bird humor.
you’ll get it once you take the pill


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 15
Some of them are probably bills but WHO CARES I got the only bill that matters ON MY FACE


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 15
Slept in the pile of envelopes piling up behind the door.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 14
Second flight much more successful. Made it to a tree!


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 14
I suspect it’s probably better not to eat before flying but hey birds eat before flying all the time and anyway these are COOKIES chocolate CHIP cookies.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers May 1
Sorry for that long silence – was in too much pain to type.
But next supervised flight is all arranged.
And yes, I have the chocolate chip cookies.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
After everything heals up, of course.


Caw caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Lost quite a few feathers and banged up my beak.
So definitely doing this again.


Caw caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Nothing like what I thought it would be. Not like a plane at all. Best way I can describe it – it’s like out of control on a roller coaster only no track and no ending and then you crash.


Caw caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
THAT WAS AMAZING


Caw caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
WHOA.


Caw caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Ok. Ready to try this. Wish me luck.


Caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Yes, birds DO eat chocolate chip cookies.
That’s one burning question answered.


Caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Maybe chocolate chip cookies will help. Do birds eat chocolate chip cookies?


Caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Gotta calm down.


Caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 13
Honestly shaking here.
Which is making me throw off a few feathers, which is probably not going to help.


Caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 12
For safety reasons, this first flight will be entirely supervised.
And not by those crows, either.


Caw caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 10
Next up: trying to fly.


Caw @FormBeakandFeathers Apr 10
Doctors confirmed what I’m feeling:
My bones are hollow and I will touch the sky


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
Yeah, I saw the cartoons too. Trust me. They lied.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
Important note about feathers: they also FALL OFF.
And using a broom when you’re a bird is a non-starter.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
Plus, if nothing else, I have feathers.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
Eh. It’s not like I’ll be eating as much.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
More than a bit worrisome, especially since this transformation isn’t completely paid for, but –


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
Had to peck out my letter of resignation this morning.
I just can’t code fast enough with claws and beak.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 28
Successfully pecked at my keyboard AND managed to set up a medical appointment in two weeks.
Who’s a successful bird now?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 24
To repeat: How do crows do this? Seriously, how?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 24
Learned a lot less about how to actually use my beak and claws to do things.
And by things I primarily mean opening food containers.
Oh, and laundry.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 24
Learned quite a bit. Like, once I make the full, successful transition, I do NOT want to hang out and fly around with those crows.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 24
Spent the entire day studying crows.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 22
How do crows do this? Seriously, how?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 22
I mean I’ve worked it out, but it does take practice.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 22
Caps lock won’t work. You’ve going to have to master the careful balance of claw and beak and everything hitting just right.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 22
Hint for everyone trying to transform into a bird: your big problem is going to be all those special symbols in your passwords.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 22
Anyway, getting the computer on was simple enough – one firm peck with my new beak.
Trying to type in the password, though…


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 22
Sorry for going silent for so long. Had to try to figure out how to tweet while being a bird.
…..Yes, I know the obvious jokes.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 3
Didn’t think I was losing my mind, but then again, couldn’t find my keys or remember my social security number.
Though that might not be a bird thing.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 3
Definitely less than half the weight.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Mar 3
I can’t use a measuring tape right now, but I’d say I’m maybe half the size I was. Maybe a third.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 28
Having real problems grabbing things now. My fingers are vanishing into feathers.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 25
Who has feathers all over her hands and is rapidly losing her fingers?
THIS CHICK, THAT’S WHO.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 23
And feathers coming in everywhere – legs, arms, back, stomach.
Which also means feathers all over the house, which I should have foreseen.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 23
Can’t fly yet, but definitely down to about the size of a heron. A giant heron.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 20
It’s happening. It’s really happening.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 14
Just your regular everyday morning when you get up to make coffee and realize that YOU HAVE FEATHERS UP AND DOWN BOTH ARMS NOW


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
Yeah, yeah, definitely something I should have thought of sooner but –
I wanted to fly.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
I mean there’s a reason for the phrase bird-brain.
Gulp.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
Though – you don’t think I’ll start losing brain function as my brain and body continue to shrink, right?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
Kinda loving the way my queen sized bed now feels like a California King, though.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
Anyway. Need to get the house ready for my smaller self. It’s not just the mugs. It’s. Well. Everything.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
Not exactly one of my brighter ideas. I mean, not only is this taking much longer than I thought it would, but I probably won’t be able to move, let alone fly with, a mug by the time this is done.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 12
Why oh why did I put so many of my mugs on my top shelves?
Because I figured I’d be able to fly up there and get them, of course.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 9
In retrospect I should have invested in a couple more stools or even a ladder before this.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 7
No new feathers today.
I’m definitely smaller, though.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Feb 4
Two feathers! Three! On my lower arms!


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 31
Could just be a fine hair, of course. But I think it’s a feather.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 31
I think I see a feather.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 23
Ok, so that didn’t help.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 23
Thought about nibbling on birdseed to speed up the process. Went with seed cake instead. Much better. Well. Better.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 15
Ok, it’s been a couple weeks. Surely I should be seeing some results by now?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 7
You don’t want to know what I paid for this.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 7
Replying to @MagicSkeptic1970
Look, I just heard “bird” and went with it. Wouldn’t you?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 6
You know, the typical “be careful what you wish for” and “you get what you paid for.”


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 6
Of course, now I’m having nightmares of getting stuck as an ostrich and never getting off the ground.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 6
Assuming I end up as a crow. They weren’t that specific.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 6
Then again, crows eat practically anything, so it’s not like I’m stuck with birdseed, right?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 6
Tastes awful. Hope it tastes better post-transformation.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 5
Nervously trying to eat some birdseed.
What?


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 2
Nothing yet.
I know, I know. It’s only been a couple of hours. And yet.


WB @FormBeakandFeathers Jan 2
Swallowed the pill. What do I have to lose?
Ok. A lot.
But I still swallowed the pill.

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